How early relational patterns dictate our adult relationships

In this article we’ll consider how relational patterns learned in infancy can wield a powerful influence over our adult relationships.  We’ll look at how these patterns came into being, the ways in which they continue to affect our lives today and, finally, we’ll consider what we can do to make this early patterning serve us better.

How relational patterns form

Humans are born vulnerable and reliant on others for their very survival.  Without these adults there to protect, feed and take care of us we simply wouldn’t survive.  We are born existentially dependent on these relationships, while also be shaped by them in far-reaching ways.

From an evolutionary perspective, it is of vital importance for the infant's survival that they secure and successfully maintain these protective relationships.  The infant of course doesn’t have a choice about who their caregivers are, nor the type of relationships they offer.  However, the infant learns to adapt to stay in these relationships and get their needs met, as best they can. And it is through this adaptation process where early relational patterns are forged in us.

Hidden and powerful influence of early relationships

This patterning is activated the moment we are born and quickly establishes itself while we are in our infancy and before we can effectively lay down recallable memories.  This is partly why these patterns are unknown to us. And partly because these are the only relationships we know at that age and are therefore what we take to be the norm.

Impact on our adult relationships

An example of the impact might be, that as an infant who had a parental figure who was emotionally distant, you adapted by keeping your emotions out of sight and your problems to yourself.  In this way, you fitted into your parent’s way of relating and enabled you to successfully maintain this vital relationship. However, there was a significant cost to you, as can be seen in your adult relationships.  You now, perhaps, find it difficult to understand your own emotions.  Or struggle to express yourself emotionally - which is of course what you were taught.  This pattern is referred to as 'avoidantly attached'. To compensate for this, you might have developed a tendency to get upset or angry or perhaps withdraw when you encounter problems in relationships, leading to both confusion for you and for the other person.

Another relational pattern example could be, that as an infant you experienced your parental figure as unpredictable, often changing from a being close and attentive to becoming distant and unapproachable.  This relating style could have instilled relational anxiety in you – a pattern referred to as 'anxiously attached'.  As an adult, you possibly experience fear of rejection or even abandonment in close relationships. This in turn might trigger controlling behaviour to alleviate the anxiety or excessively seeking reassurance from a partner. 

These two examples aim to give an indication of how relational patterns, formed in early childhood, can silently drive our adult relationships.  More generally, we can notice symptoms of these unconscious patterns with repetitive problems we encounter in our relationships. But with us having little knowledge as to the reasons that drive these problems, they are likely to continue repeating. 

Changing patterns that no longer serve us

People often come into psychotherapy experiencing the negative impact of their relationship issues or problems.  Something isn’t working but it’s not clear what.  As a psychotherapist with a relational approach, I work with clients to uncover these early ways of relating.  We do this by working closely with your experience, from the inside, so to speak.  We explore important relationships, often at different times in your life – therapy is always unique to each client.  The patterns starts to reveal themselves.  And as the insights start to emerge, you begin to see your relationships in a new light: your unconscious, historic motivations, the way you learned to relate in childhood which you now bring into your adult life, and the kind of behaviour you unconsciously seek and even bring about in others. 

It is also by making relational patterns conscious that we can begin to understand ourselves at a deeper level, including how we have learned to adapt to get our needs met.  This broader knowledge about ourselves can affect us in significant ways – including our relationships with others, our ability to better deal with conflict and be less defensive, to our ability to be more authentically ourselves. 

On an even more personal front, understanding these relational patterns enables us to starting seeing how we experience ourselves in relationships – including how much of the real us we allow to be present and seen, how close we allow ourselves to get to others.

Takeaway

Psychotherapy with a relational approach can help you understand how your relational patterns and offer profound insight into how you relate to others.  For as well as the 'infant-you' did in navigating the complex relationships you were born into, becoming aware of these patterns now as an adult, and updating them to better serve you, can bring about meaningful and positive change in your relationships and how you feel about yourself in those relationships.